father of mine

from little girl to woman you still make me sob
as you lye there a skeleton, so helpless
in a world of hurt

you were never a man
your second love of 20 years carries the burden
your safety, your comfort
i had to leave, break these shackles from years of guilt chains
everytime i think i'm about to fly i'm smacked down
the guilt and responsibility

that moment you take your last breath
i hope i feel peace
but i know i'll feel guilt
guilt for all the things i never said
out of the knowing you'd never listen
shrug me off
ignore the truth

i wanted to always believe you were the man
you lost jobs
you lost our home
you lost loves of your life
you lost moments with your daughter that can't be replaced
instead of framed blacked out images
both in my mind and yours

i believe in good intentions
but that's not enough
when it becomes a crutch
an excuse for millionth fuck up
another fuck up that we clean up

so don't tell me you did the best you could
because there was more
there was always more you were capable of
to carry your family, to be a father

a weekly phone call
a simple 'i love you buddy' as the salutation
those four words

i spend my hard earned money to pay someone to listen
to hear me spew on about you
to talk myself in circles and dig up the graves
to exhume my memories locked and sealed in a tomb
so far down in the depths of emotional pergatory
dig
dig
dig
remember
feel
fuck you

so don't tell me you're ready to give up
you haven't earned that right
you step up