From there an affair blossomed, mostly through romantic and passionate text messages. Normally such messages would make a woman never contact a man again. It would feel false and overbearing, a message to fuck with the psyche -- too good to be true. In this case there was something raw and emotional given the mountains he was climbing in his life. A man with an open wound on his heart that's opening up his wound in hopes it will be healed through this affair with you. A complicated and emotional relationship was born with a false sense of what the reality truly was.
As the months went on the relationship brought me closer to the base of the mountain he was climbing. A simple glance up to the top and seeing him part way up, I took a deep breath and started climbing. Eventually I caught up to him, he seemed exhausted and lost - a sitting duck on a mountain. I couldn't blame him but I was determined to help him climb this mountain. So I pushed, pulled, offered words of encouragement and exercised massive amounts of patience when no progress was made.
As we (I) continued to push forward it became very clear the air was getting thinner the further we (I) went up. There wasn't enough air for the two of us, one of us had to go. And then I realized, this wasn't my mountain to climb. Leap. Fall. Go back down. It's a long way back down, especially when you're operating on pure emotional exhaustion. But it was either suffocate or go back to the base and retreat into the future. I chose to retreat.
As the oxygen began to flow to my head again I quickly started to realize that what I thought was real was actually a story made up in my mind. The story was painted via typed words in text messages and endless online chat conversations. A simple sentence was left open for interpretation, leaving me to dictate the meaning, mood and sentiment. A resentment and confusion came to the surface when his actions in-person did not match the feelings and meaning I had created in my mind. Total confusion. I felt like a 13 year old girl who was in love with her favorite television heart-throb only to realize that in real life that heart-throb was a genuine asshole. While he was not an asshole, he certainly wasn't the man I had created in my mind. He was all an illusion.
Per usual fashion, there was a daily online conversation but instead of friendly and sweet banter the opening line from him was 'Are we ok?'. Instead of responding with a 'fine' I went with the reality of my feelings, which was 'No'. And after a few lines and polite exchanges we ended the relationship. Just as the relationship had started, it ended...with typed words.
There was no offer to meet in person and talk through things, perhaps for one last embrace. Instead the days went by with a polite text message to check in and make sure I was okay. We'll just say that no sentiment or value is being put behind those messages on my part.
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